I was going to blog about YO concert to talk about how phoon & brahms were good but wini left much to be desired, or how I love the cello section, and thank my lovely friends, or thank Him for CT grades, or whatever, but not this.
I can't believe it. I can't. I would trade anything for this, anything. CT grades, another larsen A-string, all the scholarships, my positions, anything.
It's bloody cruel, when you ask for something, and it comes, only for you to find that it's not quite the same. I've never felt like such a letdown before. Stupid, useless, and not worth a thing, perhaps only worth that piece of thin translucent paper.
So much faith, collapsing like a broken heart, exactly like how Suheir Hammad described the world trade centre towers on 9/11. I couldn't ever imagine doing this.
Because they cc-ed it to the entire freaking world, and because I still need to smile and act like it doesn't matter,
screw you. Screw all of you.
That was already civilized, so shut up, shut up and go away. There is no reason for me to believe anymore, none.
And I am so, so, so sorry. None of you can imagine how much I'm hurting right now.
written at Wednesday, July 15, 2009 at 3:51 PM.
I was there the whole time cringing, trying and failing to believe, and wishing, really wishing, that it was better. But no, to tell the honest truth, it sucked. It is easy to just sit back and give up, heck care, because you know that's what we're so good at doing most of the time. But I'm worried. I really am, because I love this enough to be frank about this, to be realistic about this, and to not do this.
Apart from the throbbing of my head, there's also the twang of guilt and regret. No, not because if I really did it I would have a good chance, but because 1) I pushed away people's faith in me by choosing not to do this 2) Looking at things now, I should do it.
But I am tired of being the one to pick things up, to put together the pieces all my life, and in all rational thinking and logical reasoning, I really shouldn't do this. And if I ask myself do I really really want to do this, minus all those feelings of obligation, responsibility and guilt, I think that ultimately the answer is no, at least not in this way, not in these circumstances and not with these people.
So perhaps, I do not love this enough to the point of self-sacrifice but in a way I'm glad because I need to start learning to love myself a little more. For every little (and this is big) thing you do because you have to/should and not because you want to, you lose a little bit of yourself.
I'm sorry, and I genuinely wish with all my heart that it will turn out okay for all of us, even though I'll be hard-pressed to invest my faith after what I saw and heard.
written at Saturday, July 11, 2009 at 6:14 PM.
Sarah and I had a five-course dinner, and we added two more appetizers ahhahahah.
written at Friday, July 10, 2009 at 10:23 PM.
Oh shucks oh shucks what a dilemma. This has God written all over it. I'm going to pray about this I'm going to pray about this ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Talk about drama--- there was simply too much tonight. Funny ones, ugly ones, shocking ones, you name it.
Advice, anyone?
written at Thursday, July 09, 2009 at 9:46 PM.
Keep faith, keep faith, keep faith. It will come.
Heh JS brought us heavenly Lindt chocolates that she and Qx got from Switzerland :D
written at Wednesday, July 08, 2009 at 10:46 PM.
That's all I'll say for now. Trust, and have faith.
written at Tuesday, July 07, 2009 at 5:11 PM.
888
Yep, auspicious post indeed :PPraise the Lord (: Anyway, wieniawski 4th movt is so cute, haha!
Zhu En is a git.
Annie walks past Zhu En. Zhu En slams his cello scroll into her leg.
Annie: EH!
Zhu En: I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry my cello hit you.
Melissa walks over, puts her hand on Zhu En's A-string peg, and turns it down.
Melissa: I'm sorry about that.
One second of shock.
Annie: Omg nice one Melissa!!
He purposely stepped on my white flats too ):
Oh wellz. I hate taking MRT with my cello during peak hours. I think I need to stick fragile stickers all over my cello case to remind people that no this is not a pole for you cling onto when you almost lose your balance, nor is this something for you to lean against, or to lean your bag against, or for you to kick / hit with bags!! ): Heart pain.
I shall ask for a new case on my birthday :D My current one's buckles are all rusty ): Heh and I need new rosin too. I've been using this one since Sec 1 and now it looks like a very thin piece of soap going to disappear. Lol.
mich; YESSSS OMG! hahaha it was quite fun!
lihui; heh okay see you next week or sth? maybe?
written at Saturday, July 04, 2009 at 6:06 PM.